Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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