Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Houston, we have a squirter
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
