If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
