dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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