Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
