my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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