we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
