bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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