Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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