Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
