I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
