I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
