Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
