Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
