You just made me feel so damn special
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
