her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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