Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
