You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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