hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
