I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
