It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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