8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
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You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
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Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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