He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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