i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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