don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
