i will never coherently bang her
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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