i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
