Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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