if you like me you must not know who I am
My liver just broke up with me...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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