i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
