You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
