the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
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You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
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Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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