I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
