I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
