Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
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i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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