I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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