kristin has been a bad kristin
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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