that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
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The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
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My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.