I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
