singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
