just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
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I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
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I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
i think i just lost a toe
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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