he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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