I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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