I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
