i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
