just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
