you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
