did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
