I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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