apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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