im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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