i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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