awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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