So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The Olympian is in my bed
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
